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Welcome to The Artist is In, a podcast where we go beyond the brushstrokes and into the inner world of the artist. I'm your host, Kat Collins. Today's guest is Courtney Barnard, an intuitive abstract expressionist painter whose work is all heart and healing. Courtney uses color and gesture to validate human experiences and to help others feel seen, understood, and not so alone. After earning her BFA from Westchester University, Courtney stepped away from the canvas to focus on raising a family. But life, as it does, brought her full circle. After reaching a personal low, she returned to painting not just as a creative outlet, but as a lifeline. Through a powerful blend of meditation, journaling, and intuitive mark making, Courtney has transformed her art into a space of emotional release. connection, and healing.

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In today's conversation, we'll talk about the role of art in trauma recovery, what it means to make space for emotion in your work, and the beauty and bravery of letting go. So Courtney, thank you so much for joining me. I'm excited that you can be here and we get to chat today.

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Thank you so much for having me, Kat.

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So let's start at the beginning. What first drew you to painting?

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So I have been an art lover my entire life. When I was growing up, I was always painting. It was always my favorite. Artistic, it got less. My mom was also a graduate. I guess I kind of looked up to her and her talents as I would find for old work. I was so amazed by what she could do. And I think that really helped me. path of wanting to pursue it even more. Because if she had that talent, then I guess I did too. So I started painting from very early on. And then as I got into high school, I really wanted art to be my focus. And I wanted to go to art school. I just knew it all along. So it's an integral part of who I am.

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So after earning your BFA, for those that don't know, that's a Bachelor of Fine Arts. You stepped away from art for a time. So what brought you back to the canvas? And how was that return different from your early experience?

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So once I graduated college, I was trying to figure out how I was going to pursue art. I was nattying and I was painting on the side. And then I had my first child. about a year after I graduated college so once that happened I then quickly had a second and you know parent life took over it was not until after I had or right before I had my third child that I decided I needed to get back into it but I just felt a longing for it but even then I felt very confused because when I had finished college I was doing well fluid art before I knew what fluid art was actually and when I stepped back to painting I was doing very figurative landscapes things that I had focused on like early college and high school type things and it just didn't feel right I wasn't quite sure what I was doing but it felt good to just paint so then I had stopped for I guess about two years at that point And I went through a very difficult time in my life.

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I went through something a little bit traumatic. And then about six months later, I was having severe anxiety and I was unable to sleep. And when I say unable to sleep, I mean like two hours a night. And this went on for weeks. So I started to kind of really go crazy. quite suicidal but I kept describing it as not wanting to live but not wanting to die and I really didn't know what to do so I sought out some help and I was able to get myself back on track with sleep and anxiety and I don't really remember what exactly it was that turned me to the meditation side of healing but I really started to look inward.

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really remember what exactly it was that turned me to the meditation side of healing but I really started to look inward. And realized that things that I had gone through recently, I kind of shoved away and they were ready to come out. So I started meditating and journaling and I actually had found an artist that was right along the same lines as using meditation and journaling as a way to let your true artistic side come out and then how you could channel that into your work. Being seen in that way by another artist is really what gave me the courage to say, okay, I'm not alone here myself. I can do this and I need to just go and I want to be, not who I think other people want me to be. The journey back to painting in, I think this was 2019, it was completely different than anything I had ever done. I had dabbled in abstraction and I had dabbled in, like I said, fluid art but that was really just kind of playing I didn't really know what I was doing there was no emotion or purpose behind it when I had done it in years previous this time coming back it was all about me and everything that I needed to express and I had paintings come out of me that would make me cry because I didn't even know I had it in me to do that

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was really just kind of playing I didn't really know what I was doing there was no emotion or purpose behind it when I had done it in years previous this time coming back it was all about me and everything that I needed to express and I had paintings come out of me that would make me cry because I didn't even know I had it in me to do that These were styles of paintings I would look at others do and I would say, wow, I would love to be able to do that. But I didn't know how to. And it wasn't about taking a class. It wasn't about learning from anybody else. It was just about looking in at what I needed and letting that come out. So that's the beginning of everything over the last six years for me.

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of everything over the last six years for me. From there, I really just started to paint for myself and I would even include my kids. We would sit outside during beautiful summer days. We'd sit under a tree and we'd do a quick two -minute meditation and then we would sit there and play with paint. I mean, it was something that I could create into life as a parent because I kept saying, well, I can't be an artist because I'm raising children. And that switch flipped. And I thought, well, I'm the one that's deciding that. Of course I can. There are plenty of people doing this. Why can't I be one of them? So it was a very different experience when I came back to art in 2019.

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So many good things in that. Where do I start? I think one of the big two things I take away from that is the fact that it's truly up to us. We choose who to be. You know, we set those limits on ourselves and say, I can't be an artist or I'm not an artist because I don't do this. When we're an artist just because we create, you know, which I think is beautiful, you know. And the other thing is the fact that oftentimes as artists, we get stuck in the idea of what we should create and not what we want to create or feel to create. You know, and I think it's a beautiful thing that you found that space within that. So what was the moment like when you realized that art could be a tool for healing and not just expression?

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Well, once I really discovered like that first painting that I did, I'll never forget and I'll always hold on to it. And that first painting alone, it just took me back so much because it was like, wow, this did so much for me on so many levels. and it showed me who i could be and this side of me that i had never seen before or never let myself see before whatever you know it it it just it was so obvious to me that this is what i needed to do this made me feel good so i pursue it and why have i been holding back on this you know so if if this is something that can work for me then it can certainly work for others as well so it became this mission of

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know it

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just it was so obvious to me that this is what i needed to do this made me feel good so i pursue it and why have i been holding back on this you know so if if this is something that can work for me then it can certainly work for others as well so it became this mission of expressing myself and healing myself through what I call a visceral scream. Like when I put that paint on that canvas, I equate it to that just so build up and pen up inside and you need to let it out. And I just, that's why I have so much expression in my work. So much movement is because I am screaming with that paint, everything that's been built up inside for so long. what's more healing than letting that out, you know?

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Very true. It's your equivalent of screaming into the pillow. Yes, absolutely.

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I will not.

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So you describe your work as intuitive abstract expressionism. Can you walk us through what that means in your studio practice?

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So I feel like that's such a long... I feel like each word is so important in how you describe my work because obviously the expressionism is really, or abstract expressionism really, is the style itself.

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A lot of it is non -representational. There are times where I'll start out completely non -rep and I start to see a landscape in there. So I don't change any of the colors to make it look more like a landscape. I just flow. whatever is coming out and that's where the intuitive part comes so as i see things develop on the canvas i just i feel like the canvas is speaking to me almost and like even when i'm picking canvases and what sizes to work i i sit there and i look at them and see what mood i'm in for the size itself i feel like each canvas has its own purpose and and i just sit there and listen to what has to come out so That's where we come up with that long phrase to say.

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No, I totally get it, though. It's important because, you know, you have the abstract, you have the expressionism, which is expressing emotion. But the intuitive part is what drives a lot of that behind it. And it just, you know, I often say the painting speaks to me and tells me what to do. I don't force my intention on it.

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It's like having a conversation with your painting. Absolutely. So yeah. So for your process, what does it look like from meditation and journaling to painting? Do they feed each other as you work?

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Absolutely. So there are days where I want to paint. I know that either I have to get work done or I'm in the mood to, but maybe I don't know what colors I want to use. I don't know what I really want the composition to look like. So that's when I use the meditation to just sit and kind of tap into myself. What's what's going on inside that needs to come out. And then oftentimes I will take charcoal and I'll sometimes I'll journal a lot on there and whatever is streaming through my mind. And other times it's just a few key words. But it's that process really just opens up the intuitive side so that I can. tap into the deep emotions that are not only healing me, but are also things that other people are going through. And it allows what comes out on the canvas to speak to others, not just myself.

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So are you journaling directly on the canvas? Sometimes, yes. That's very cool.

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cool. It's fine where I kind of forgot that I was doing that because, you know, I'm sure that'll come up later, but you kind of lose the... playful side of it is so you kind of just get down to work right but I started to notice that my work was not as impactful and it's because I had stopped journaling on it I stopped writing things so I started to do that again and it's not as much as it used to be it's usually like I said just a few key words but it helps drive the color palette and the expression that comes out on canvases.

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I think that's so powerful to do that. So what materials or techniques do you gravitate towards when you're working through things like this?

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Oh, big, big, big canvases, all the big. I love big brushes, big canvases. I usually use a lot of bright colors. And I really like using. I don't even know the exact name, but it's like a rubber scraper kind of a thing. I use that a lot to smooth out the paint. And I also love using the butt end of my paintbrushes to dig into the paint and create marks that way.

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into the paint and create marks that way.

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I love that. I love it. Big brushes are so much fun. And that full body movement to get involved in a painting, I mean, that energy just comes straight through. when you do that. So your work often gives voice to emotions that are hard to name. How do you navigate the balance between personal catharsis and creating space for others?

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Well, I feel like it's not hard to do that because when you're vulnerable, like there's a lot of uncomfortable things that people don't want to talk about, right? I mean, nobody wants to really feel. things that we're feeling to begin with. So when I'm willing to be vulnerable and have the conversations, whether it's through the title or through the work itself, it then allows those people to put down their walls, you know, it says to them, oh,

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it says

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I know what that means. Oh, I know what that feels like. Oh, wait, these colors, they speak to me, this movement, it speaks to me. So I feel like we're all connected. We are all going through the same things. We just don't want to talk about it. So me putting all of this out there is giving people permission to feel themselves.

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Yes, yes, absolutely. So how do you hope someone feels when they stand in front of your work? Is there something specific you look for?

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I just wanted to touch them in any way possible. I mean, there are some people that... They just really love the color or they love the softness of the way that the colors work together. And there are some people that cry. It's whatever the connection is for that person, as long as they have a connection and it means something to them. That's what means the most to me.

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What is the oddest connection somebody ever had with one of your paintings? I'm thinking of being like a fly on the wall. talking about my work and standing in front of something. And I had somebody say to me, they didn't say to me, they were saying it to a friend next to them, that looking at one of my paintings, it felt like one of their childhood nightmares. And I was like, I don't know how to feel about that. But I'd say I was abused. Actually, I laughed a lot about it because it definitely connected with that. It was just different.

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Oh, my gosh, that's too funny. Trying to think it's the strangest reaction. Well. I guess. So there was a guy, my very first art fair, outdoor fair. It was, I mean, it was a disaster for me, but there was this guy that was going around and interviewing different people for his podcast. And he knew it was my first time. So he wanted my take on how things were going. And as he did my work, he said, so do you just listen to like really loud?

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as he did

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do you just listen to like really loud? hard heavy metal screaming rock doing this because it's like like what do you listen to because it's such violent work and I wasn't offended it's this piece of me that was like whoa hold on you're missing like my bio is here you can read it you know right so I explained what the work meant and he ended up starting to cry said wow I see this in a completely different way now That meant everything to me. I guess that would probably be the strangest is that somebody looking at it thinks that it's angry. No, this isn't. I mean, it is anger. Sure. That's an emotion that we experience, but it's about processing that emotion.

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Sure. Well, I often find people bring their own stories to it. So a lot of times the reaction isn't necessarily what we created, but what they're feeling in that moment. You know, so, yeah, I can absolutely see that. So do you do you find that painting has helped you connect with others in ways that conversations sometimes can't?

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Oh, for sure. I love writing. I love painting. I love communicating. But speaking, even podcasts make me a little nervous. The words don't flow out of my mouth. They flow out of a pen or onto a canvas. So I think, and I recently had one of these aha moments where it was like, the reason that I love painting is because sometimes it's too much to communicate with words. It's too much to communicate any other way. The emotions are too big or because I'm not always so eloquent speaking, you know, it's, you put that in a title, you put that in the painting. And hopefully it says everything that it needs to say for that person.

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I often say that my paintings are the words I can't say. And it definitely applies. I agree. Yeah. So this season for this podcast, we were talking about the theme of letting go. So what does letting go mean to you creatively, personally, or spiritually?

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Letting go is one of those things that... just keeps coming back over and over again. Right now I am, like I had mentioned earlier, battling with the concept of every work has to be for sale. Go of that, that perfectionism, that need for control, that validation, you know, it's all intertwined with one another and time slaying with my work,

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with my work, which seems a little, backwards also because all of my paintings are kind of experiments in and of themselves which is play but you know in the back of my mind it's like i just messed that up oh you can't do that you know all of these rules that you kind of make up for yourself so letting go both professionally and creatively and personally and professionally it's something i struggle with a lot is that And molding that outcome because nothing, things rarely go that way. So letting go is one of those lessons that I have to consistently relearn.

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Which is fascinating to me because your paintings are so expressive. Looking at them, it feels like you let go easily. So I would say in a lot of ways, I love to hear that you don't. It's personal for myself that it's not as easy as you. Make it seem to others.

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No, no. I labor over so many of those decisions. You know, I might go in with the right attitude. And then I just did this the other day. I started a piece and I had the intention of just kind of throwing paint at it and making a mess and creating something cool. But I did this one big brushstroke that just looked beautiful. I was like, well, I can't mess that up because I can't do it again, you know?

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can't do

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Then I put myself in this box and I haven't touched it in four or five days because ignoring it now, I don't know what I'm going to do next. So because even with an expressionist piece, you still have to find balance and you have to make sure you're using different sizes and, you know, following all of these art principles to make the work good anyway. Yes. While it is about letting go and being yourself, there are still some basics that are required for it to be a cohesive piece.

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Absolutely. It's not simply, you know, your kid could do this kind of work that some people like to say.

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I have taken that phrase and I've gone from, okay, well, that's good for them. And, you know, getting insulted too. I would, I love that compliment. Because I look at my own kids and I see some of the work they create and it inspires my work, whether it's a palette or the composition.

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a palette

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or the composition. I mean, they just they create so freely and openly and without judgment. And that's something to be admired, something that we forget as we grow up. So I would love to create that freely. And if that's what my word looks to you, then I have done a fantastic job in my opinion. You know,

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I love that perspective. So was there a painting or a moment in your journey where you had to let go of control, expectation, or even identity to find healing?

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I think a very recent piece actually fit that category. I had plans one morning and something kept telling me, don't go, just go home. And I was really torn. And I was kind of disappointed and I went home. I created a painting that made me cry because I truly let go that day and had zero expectations of it.

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a painting that made me cry because

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truly let go that day and had zero expectations of it. And it was everything that I have wanted to paint for a long time. So it was that reminder that just trust yourself. Trust what you're doing and know that you will always create something beautiful. Just do it. So, yeah.

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That's beautiful. I feel like every once in a while we get caught up and we have those tough moments as artists and we get locked and then we have this big piece that just reminds us that we do know what we're doing and we have to stop being so hard on it.

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I think you just said everything I needed to hear. I'm actually in tears a bit. You know, dealing with a little artist burnout at the moment and writing an email newsletter to people who follow me about all of this. And it's exactly that that I've needed to hear and that as artists, we all need to hear and to keep focusing on.

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Yeah, I mean, there's a reason we do what we do. We know what we're doing. We need to stop questioning ourselves and tap into that intuition, tap into that why. Why am I doing this? What is driving me to be here? And if we just remember to focus on that, that's when we're going to find our truest work. And I'm constantly trying to remind myself of that. And I think we all get caught up on that a lot.

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Absolutely. I think that fits my next question, which is, Do you think letting go is a one -time act or a practice you return to again and again and again in art and life?

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Oh, absolutely. It's like any behaviors,

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attitudes, or whatever it is, beliefs that you have, no matter how much you think you've healed from those, they're going to keep coming up. It's something that you have to keep up on. You have to maintain. And remembering to let go is absolutely one of those things. It's a constant. It's constant growth.

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So how do you create space for release of that emotion, that tension, or a narrative through your paintings?

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That's a good question.

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I definitely have, it ebbs and flows. You know, there are times where I don't want to paint, but I know I need to paint. And the reason I know I need to paint, is because I don't want to paint sometimes I just need to put on some music and that'll give me you know kind of put me in the mood to just play around and then that develops and sometimes I actually hate painting outside but recently I have been painting outside because I've been working on large pieces and I need the space and I need to not worry about the mess I make so

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I just need to put on some music and that'll give me you know kind of put me in the mood to just play around and then that develops and sometimes I actually hate painting outside but recently I have been painting outside because I've been working on large pieces and I need the space and I need to not worry about the mess I make so I've been doing being outside. So it really changes all the time, depending on the mood, depending on the piece. It definitely involves music, lots of music and just kind of tapping into myself and reminding myself that I need to do this for myself, for my family. And if not, I'm going to go crazy and then everybody's crazy. It's something that is so deeply intertwined into who I am that those periods of time where I was not painting, I was. So I have to create the time and space for myself because that is my self -care.

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I feel every bit of that. Absolutely.

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You've said it's your mission to help others in trauma recovery feel validated and part of something bigger. How do you approach building that kind of community through your art?

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So I feel like the titles alone, I mean, there are people, some of the people I have met in our current art community have said to me, you have some really deep work just based off of these titles, you know? So I feel like that alone is kind of like the bat signal for people. You know, we can dive into this here. You're safe to dive into this stuff with me, okay? And then my goal is to not just find people that resonate with my work, but also I want to turn this into a class. I want to turn this into an actual community where people can come together and do this as a community. And I can kind of guide people on how to... to release and how to tap into one themselves. And just by being in a room full of people that are on the same journey in their own ways, it's just knowing that, oh, hey, look at all these people that are also trying to heal from something. Look at all these people that have been through something. It's just that sense of knowing that you're not the only one because we often feel like we're very alone when we're going through these dark. of our lives but it definitely helps when we have somebody that sees that connection yeah it can be very isolating and you know from my personal experience and i don't want people to go through that and if i can do something to someone in that way that that's really what i would like to do with my art is making make it meaningful to

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it definitely helps when we have somebody that sees that connection yeah

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it can be very isolating and you know from my personal experience and i don't want people to go through that and if i can do something to someone in that way that that's really what i would like to do with my art is making make it meaningful to people that need community beautiful i was thinking of your as you're talking about this of the painting you had at anno artem and their one exhibit the anatomy of addiction which it was a stunning painting and very moving could you talk a little bit about that painting and that experience with that show are you talking about the the large piece yes yes so

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was thinking of your as you're talking about this of the painting you had at anno artem and their one exhibit the anatomy of addiction which it was a stunning painting and very moving could you talk a little bit about that painting and that experience with that show are

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you talking about the the large piece yes yes so That piece was titled Losing Myself Trying to Save You. It actually, it started off differently. I actually started that piece months before the show. And I,

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that I was going through, I had just out of my studio that I had been very excited to be a part of and things didn't work out. And I had a lot of feelings about that. So I really unleashed on that canvas. But then time went by and I didn't know what to do with it. And as I stood there staring at it and I was looking at this topic of the anatomy of addiction and my experience of being with addicts, I realized how I could transform it into this piece about those. that either know someone with addiction or live with someone with addiction and you love them so much, you care about them so much and help them and you think you can do this and that and whatever it is that will help pull them out of this struggle. But in the process of doing that, tend to lose ourselves, sacrifice so much because we don't want to see that person suffer. But there's only so much that we can do. It's like the old phrase, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. It's not up to us. We can be there for support, but it's also fair for us to give up everything and lose our own sense of life and worth and what lights us up. So this piece around the edges, there was a lot of color that had been faded. like seriously watered down and then in the middle was this big bright pink piece and and splashes of color all around it and then you have this black void that was basically trying to suck all the color and and all the life out of this and big central color in the middle was almost like i felt like i had put a lot of detail in there that kind of symbolized the struggle where it was fighting back and saying no wait i can't be swallowed up by all of this darkness i i am a light and i deserve to shine my own light on my life so it was it was a very emotional piece to work on and i was happy to be a part of that show and that topic plays a large role in my life so i definitely wanted to be a part of it and that piece was so impactful on so many people. I really didn't expect it. So that was very humbling to see so many people have such a strong connection with it.

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see so many people have such a strong connection with it.

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That's wonderful. It was beautiful. It was a beautiful piece. I loved it. So what's lighting you up in the studio these days?

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Well, I am actually... Going to embark on what I've really always wanted to do, and that is work really large.

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That's exciting.

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Yeah, I've been kind of trying to figure it out. I don't have a ton of space. So right now I'm kind of doing triptychs and I don't know all the names for all the different configurations I have, but I'm putting multiple canvases together to create one large piece. I can also disassemble and actually store it. And then also ordering unrolled canvases so that I can just create these eight by ten pieces. And that's what I've always wanted to do. My very first show ever was 15 years ago.

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years ago. And this guy... had probably like a six by eight painting at this show. And as soon as I saw it, I went, yes, that is what I want to do. That is what I need to do. So I just kind of catered to a market of smaller works for all these years, but it's really been nagging at me that I'm never going to find the market if I don't create the work.

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kind of catered to a market of smaller works for all these years, but it's really been nagging at me that I'm never going to find the market if I don't create the work. That is true.

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is true.

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I'm really excited to embark on this new journey. paintings.

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That's exciting. And when you say eight by 10, you're talking eight foot by 10 foot. Correct. Correct. Yeah. Wanted to clarify because I was thinking inches. That's not that big.

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So, and finally, so what is being an artist mean to you at this stage in your life?

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Oh gosh. I mean, I've learned to get my identity. I am not. just anything i am not belittling myself i am not afraid to say i'm an artist you know it might not be that i am making a full -time income from it but i am an artist and it's taken a long time for me to get there and say that confidently because i felt like such a fraud saying that but it is who i am and it's who i've been meant who i'm meant to be and and i i can see everything that it can turn into and that I'm confident it will turn into and I will never give up on it. And it's also important to me to be a role model for my kids because I want them to understand that you can follow your dreams. You can listen to who you know you're supposed to be, but you're going to have to work hard no matter what you do. them to see that journey I want them to see the payoff I want them to see the failures I want them to see all of it and know what it means to trust that you know what you're here to do while you're on this earth I love every bit of that you are an artist and you are an inspiration Courtney absolutely I thank you so much for being here this conversation was absolutely wonderful I feel like you're my

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love every bit of that you are an artist and you are an inspiration Courtney absolutely

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thank you so much for being here this conversation was absolutely wonderful I feel like you're my a sister from another mother when it comes to art and our beliefs. And I just, I'm very honored that you could join us for this conversation.

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Believe me, it goes both ways. I am so happy that I got to do this and so grateful you asked me.

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Thank you. So Courtney reminds us that healing isn't linear and that art doesn't have to be either. Her work is an invitation to feel what you feel, to express without shame, and to find strength in softness. You can connect with Courtney's work at CourtneyBarnardArt .com and follow her journey on Instagram at CourtneyBarnard .art. And I will drop the links to all of that in the podcast episode as well. If this episode moves you, please share it with someone who could use a reminder that they're not alone. And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and leave a review. Every bit helps bring these stories to more listeners. Until next time, keep making space for what wants to come through. And remember, the artist is always it.